Dear Assassins Creed 2,

Forgive me if this is a bit presumptuous, I haven’t played your sequels so perhaps  this letter will seem redundant to you, but may I ask what the hell is up with the camera and controls?

You have to know that you are not an action game, and so your jumping and camera controls are the most vital aspect of your game; they are your core, and everything else is built around it. You may think that your camera a and controls work fine, and I am being a crazy bitch, but no. I’m not. Your controls like to do their own thing from time to time: jumping in a direction I wasn’t indictating, dropping down or climbing up when I’m not pressing the proper button, and the camera suddenly shifting perspective for certain jumps, or turning ever so slightly while I jump so that I am now jumping at an angel I didn’t want to. I don’t blame all of my failed jumps on these, of course: I am as big a factor in my falling to my death as anything. But, seriously? YOUR ENTIRE BEING IS PREDICATED ON RUNNING AND JUMPING, AND TO DO THAT YOUR CONTROLS NEED TO BE REALLY ETREMELY TIGHT. THIS IS NOT AN OPINION. IT IS BASIC DESIGN: PRECISION JUMPING REQUIRES PRECISION CONTROLS. CONTROLS THAT DO THE SAME EXACT THING THE SAME EXACT WAY UNDER THE SAME EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES.

Like I said, perhaps your sequels have these issues taken care of and this is me being very much behind the times. I hope that is the case, because your reputation as a game that is fun to play hangs on it.

Sincerely, and with much hope,

Caterjillar

PS: By the way, I am not too keen on cutscenes that MUST happen and break all sense of iimmersion. Had I acted the way I would have, the way I think the character would have, and in a way that isn’t completely stupid, none of this would have ever happened because, like Robin’s Merry Men, I would have assassinated the executioner, and that asshole who betrayed my family. And I would have stopped those other bastards from murdering 9% of the Medici family. Why on earth would a man of action just stand there and watch while people are being murdered? Answer: HE WOULDN’T.

PPS: Ok, I just got the final assassin’s seal. What the fuck was up with that test? Look, I understand making it difficult, I get it, I don’t mind it, but arbitraily making it a timed puzzle? That was cheap. The course is hard enough, what with the fucking controls and camera that do whatever the fuck they want, but now I have to complete the course in a certain amount of time? For one ting, that instantly makes me nervous. Timed elements in games make me nervous, and unable to focus, and irritated. And two, that’s just cheap. Look, there is a time and a place for timed puzzles.. This wasn’t one of those times. The difficulty lies in the course, a course you’re bound to fail at least once, an then have to swim all the way back to the beginning to reset the puzzle because if you fall even once you might as well reset it because there’s no leeway time. That isn’t a good challenge, that’s a lazy challenge, and poor design choices.

PPPS: I thought the guards in Assassins Creed were bad, getting suspicious every time you went faster than a snail’s pace, but the guards on the roofs in you? They’re just as bad, if not worse! They keep trying to kill me for just being on the roof! I’m rarely given enough time to actually get off a roof when one of them spots me. What if I were a child?! Would they still shoot to kill me then? And just as in your predecessor, your guards have an issue with staying put: ie, they don’t. They will chase you everywhere just for standing on a rooftop a second too long, and if you’re near other guards, without thinking they join in the attack! And it’s an outright attack: they mean to kill me for standing on a roof. Sometimes it’s only one or two, but more often than not, I end up being pursued by 10+ guards, who will drop what they’re doing and join the chase EVEN UP TO THE ROOF TOPS! Why are these guards trained like assassins anyway? It’s all very ridiculous. More of them should complain about the amount of paper work they’ll have to do when they kill me. Again, because I was on a rooftop. Who made them sultans of the roofs? No one.

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About Jillers

To be continued...

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